The wake-up call is often an emotional rupture, which can potentially soil the chances of being able to connect deeply with someone who truly matters. This could mean that a romantic partner rejects the overbearing behaviors of a partner with abandonment issues, that a child demands that their parent with abandonment issues stops invading their privacy, or that a stellar subordinate employee pushes back against a micromanager with an unflappable fear of losing their job and financial stability. When these reactions and fears no longer serve a person with abandonment issues, it is usually because someone who is trying to establish a healthy relationship recognizes and dislikes being on the receiving end. Dunkers says that unshakable feelings or thoughts that significant people in your life are going to up and leave can be behind attempts to control a partners' behaviors, relationships, and thoughts. Unfortunately, having an insecure attachment style, in particular, can be harmful enough to trigger the abandonment and rejection that a person most fears.ĭriven by desperation, abandonment issues can cause people to act in ways that hurt others and make it hard to create healthy, trusting relationships in the future. Lastly, a person may develop a disorganized attachment style in response to experiences of childhood trauma or abuse from a caregiver at a young age. "A child with this type of caregiver may be uneasy, as they can never be certain from one day to the next how their caregiver will respond to their needs. As an adult, this may resemble a partner who has difficulty trusting, who is hypervigilant and possibly clingy." "If caregiver nurturing was not consistent, meaning one day they were attentive and the next they were unavailable and aloof, this could result in an anxious attachment style," she continues. If your caregiver was habitually inattentive and unavailable, Dunkers says this could lend itself to an avoidant attachment style. As a result, you may have learned to meet your own needs and self-soothe. In an adult relationship, this may look like detachment, limited communication, and emotional unavailability. But without that emotional attunement and safety early in life, a person could develop one of three insecure attachment styles- anxious, avoidant, or disorganized-all of which have abandonment and trust issues at the root. As an adult, you will continue to have a sense of safety and autonomy in your relationship," Dunkers explains. "If, as a child, you felt safe and your caregiver was attuned to your physical, mental, and emotional needs, this lends itself to a secure attachment style. Attachment theory, which was first proposed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s, suggests that attachment styles often develop in early childhood as a response to relationships with primary caregivers. In each instance, the affected person may come to feel angry or unsafe in future situations that might otherwise be healthy and stable.Ībandonment issues usually indicate an insecure attachment style. Medical and mental illness, loss, romantic rejection, workplace mistreatment or lack of career opportunities, and even financial stress can be other sources of abandonment issues, Narasimhan adds. Dunkers says the loss of a loved one at any point in our lifetime can also lend itself to the development of abandonment issues. "In addition, if a spouse or romantic partner decides to end a relationship, this, too, can lead to abandonment issues that could potentially affect future relationships," she adds. "Abandonment issues can largely be created based on childhood trauma and schemas developed as a result," she explains.īut while the fear of abandonment might be easily dismissed as " Mommy issues" or " Daddy issues," both Dunkers and double board-certified physician Anandhi Narasimhan, M.D., note that any relationship could also be the root cause of abandonment issues. This strong sense of being left behind, rejected, or excluded may have been acquired due to prolonged exposure to an unreliable, abusive, or absent caregiver. Abandonment issues often stem from childhood experiences, according to Chrystal Dunkers, LPC, a licensed counselor at Point and Pivot Counseling in New Jersey.
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